Blues

As far as the emotional roller coaster goes, I thought I was doing pretty good, until yesterday. I woke up, but had absolutely no desire to get out of bed. You're probably thinking, "Ummm... that's me every day," and although I'll be the first to admit that I love a lazy day, this was different. I didn't want to get up, because I didn't want to face life. It took every ounce of willpower to go downstairs and make breakfast, and I only did it because my husband was complaining about being hungry, then I crawled back into bed.

Finally around noon I forced myself to get up and get some work done on the other painting in the baby's room, but didn't accomplish much because I just got too tired, so I sat down and fell asleep. This went on pretty much all day, and finally when my husband asked if I was ok, I broke down crying. I'm talking the "Ugly Cry," where your face contorts and you can barely get a world out because you're sobbing so hard.

The hospital tour really freaked me out, and I'm now overcome with fear all over again. I'm afraid of getting huge, I don't want to be in pain, and I certainly don't want to push an 8-10 pound baby out of a tiny hole in my body. What if I can't handle nursing? What if I don't love my baby? My husband sat and held me and let me cry it out, and he assured me that he's here for me, he loves me, and he's never going to leave my side. The emotions I'm feeling are totally overwhelming, and even while I write this now I'm fighting back the tears. I keep telling myself over and over that women all over the world are having babies every single day and I'm certainly not alone, but it doesn't help one bit, because I'm still going to be in a hospital at some point, and I'm still going to get huge.

Going through this emotional roller coaster probably means I'm a perfect candidate for postpartum depression, and that scares me too, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I just wish I could close my eyes and have my son in my arms without all the work it takes to get him here. I wish I could find a way out of this funk.