Paula

This weekend my husband and I attended our very first baby class at the hospital... Childbirth Preparation. We had the option of taking the class over a span of three days, or doing a very long one day class, but the one day class came with a free DVD, so we opted for that. In a previous blog post I discussed the DVD and frighteningly real it made all of this, but at the same time, it helped settle my nerves. When it comes to having my body exposed, I don't want any surprises, and the more I have time to think about it, the better. By the time I'm laying naked on a table full of tubes and wires being poked and prodded, I'll be numb to the whole idea of it, and better off.

We arrived at the hospital for the childbirth class to discover that we were one of four couples in attendance, and the instructor was the same woman from the video we watched. I instantly tensed up, because a smaller group means more individual attention, and audience participation. I HATE audience participation. But right away the instructor put us at ease with jokes and stories, and it was a positive experience throughout the three hours we were there... until Paula came alone.

After we went through labor positions and breathing exercises (hee hee hee hoooooo), we turned our chairs to the TV to watch a video (yes, an actual VHS video) about childbirth. That's when we met Paula, a middle aged woman with giant glasses, and a very unfortunate haircut. Paula was in labor, and was going to have her baby au-natural. No IV, no hospital, and no censorship. We watched her moan and groan with her husband at her side, we watched her shower to relieve the pain, and we watched her sit on a toilet moaning and groaning. I took a moment to glance at the other people in the room watching the video with me. All the husbands were ghost white with blank faces, and all the girls had horrified looks on their faces. Then it was time for Paula to push.

Paula got up on a table and squatted, and with encouragement from her midwife, started to push. (Insert collective horrified gasp from all of us watching here.) When that didn't work, Paula laid down on her side and threw her leg up in the air the way a dog would to pee on a fire hydrant. (Another horrified gasp from the audience.) Paula was moaning and groaning and pushing, and then we saw the head crowning. I looked away as the midwife encouraged Paula to reach down and touch her baby's head that was poking out of her body and everyone else watching had hands over their faces in shock and horror. Why Paula?!?! WHYYYY?!?!

When I finally had the courage to look again, Paula was on her back, completely naked and watching herself give birth with a big mirror down by her crotch. I looked back at the other couples and all the girls were squeezing the life out of their husband's hands and hiding their faces, the husbands looked like they just witnessed a murder, I was dry heaving, and my husband was utterly freaked out. The instructor turned off the video and asked what we all thought. The silence was deafening. What was seen cannot be unseen.

Our instructor then had all the men sit on the ground with their backs to the wall, and we sat in their laps leaning up against them, and with dim lights and soft music, we did a ten minute relaxation exercise that really helped cleanse our minds and our retinas, and helped us unwind.

With the exception of Paula, I really enjoyed the class, and I would recommend it for all expecting mothers. It helped ease my mind about what's going to happen to me in just eight more weeks, and it really made me realize that I'm not alone. If Michelle Duggar can give birth nineteen times, then I can surely do it once, and I'll be sure to have a better haircut than Paula.